


I'm Tired

by Pinxku



Series: NCIS Tony DiNozzo angst mostly [1]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt, Hurt Tony, Suicide Attempt, Tony Angst, Tony Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 18:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21058697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pinxku/pseuds/Pinxku
Summary: Tony is Tired of it all. He tried but now Gibbs is back.Tony is not mad he is just tired.





	I'm Tired

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Contains Blood, depression Suicide attempt and angst. Tony angst.
> 
> If you have depression or suicidal thoughts please seek help. You have People who care even if you don't think so.

**Warning: Contains Blood, depression Suicide attempt and angst. Tony angst.**

**If you have depression or suicidal thoughts please seek help. You have People who care even if you don't think so.**

Tony stared blankly at the bathroom wall. It was strange how everything seemed so big when you sit on the floor and not stand.

You are just so small in the big world down here on the ground. He thought as he sat on the floor with a knife in his other hand and cellphone in the other.

A small river of blood was already pooling under him from his wrist. Red drops dripping down.

_Tip tip tip_

Tony hadn't cut too badly yet. Still trying to find that small flicker of strength that had kept him going for the past months when he had found himself in the same position every day. Stopping him from what was about to come.

But there was nothing now. The strength had died when Gibbs had come back today. Moved away Tony's stuff from Tony's new desk back to his old one. Same with McGee Then the man had proceeded to throw out Tony's new agent Lee and demote the man himself back to his old role.

No 'thank you' or 'I'm sorry'. Just nothing. But Tony didn't get angry. He was just tired.

And nobody cared they were happy Gibbs was back. Because Gibbs was always better. It didn't matter how Tony did his best to keep everything together after Gibbs left. It didn't matter how well he led the team. It didn't matter how Tony overworked himself. Or how he started to get depressed.

It. Didn't. Matter.

Because Tony was not Gibbs.

Something everyone. Every single one of them liked to remind him.

Snide remarks, dismissal, anger, mocking. That was what he got.

Because Tony was irresponsible, immature, trying too hard to be Gibbs.

But really Tony was just...tired.

With every remark. Every day, multiple times. Tony's depression grew. The need for it to be over to just stop. Just sleep. Die.

The dark thought spiraling down to even more dangerous ones. And it didn't matter. Nobody noticed and if they did they didn't care.

But he hold on. Because the team needed him. They didn't want him but they needed him. And so he hold on with everything he had. He cut but never too badly. He wanted to but he would not.

But now they didn't need him. They had Gibbs.

With that Tony did it. He slit his wrists 2 deep cuts all the way down from the elbow to the wrist.

Immediately the blood pooled out fast. Covering his hands. He dropped the knife. It was done.

Ziva and Tim would call him a coward. Gibbs would be disappointed, Ducky would probably be sad and maybe Abby would be devastated, Palmer Too.

But they will move on. Eventually. They all do.

He always thought that he would die in a line of duty, not like this. He was such a disappointment.

Slowly he opens his phone. Moving his hand stung a bit but he had to get this done. He still had to make one more call.

With a shaky hand, he dialed in a number. Their friendship had been surprising. But this man had been Tony's friend. Someone to talk with and share a beer.

_Beep beep beep_

"Fornell" came from the other end.

"Toby..." Tony whispered. Starting to feel woozy.

"Tony? What's going on? Are you hurt? Where are you?!" Came a concerned voice.

Tony chokes a bit. The worry from someone was overwhelming. DiNozzo's don't cry but he had to let it out. Finally, tears started to pour out and then he was sobbing.

"Tony!!"

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He was whispering.

"God damn it, somebody, trace this call! Just hold on Tonio I'm coming there is nothing to be sorry for" Tobias said using Tony's nickname.

"I tried Toby. I tried so hard to keep everyone together and lead! I did!" The younger man was shaking with blood loss and the sobs.

"I got it!" Somebody called in the background.

"Just hold on Tones I'm coming. I know you did and you did so well just hang on Tones"

"No... No... I- I can't keep going anymore. I'm so tired I can't. I- I'm sorry" " TONY! _WAI_-" With that Tony disconnects the call.

His mind was hazy darkness seeping in his vision and he welcomed it with open arms.

The last thing he knew before everything went dark was how somebody broke down his front door and called his name.

✿✿✿

Tobias Fornell was very worried. Something was wrong and he could feel it. He had just heard how Gibbs had come back and how he did it. So obviously worried how Tony was handing it he was just about to call the kid when his phone rang.

The bad feeling increased when it rang so he quickly answered it.

Dread filling him when he heard Tony on the other side. The kid sounded pained and broken and so unlike himself. Then he started to register what the kid was saying.

As quickly as he could he had the phone call traced and was racing down the traffic to Tony's place.

His heart was beating rapidly as he kicked the door down and raced around the house searching for the young man he had come to care about. He probably should have brought back up in case there was nobody else but screw protocol right now

When he found him he froze. Laying in the pool of his own blood laid the kid unmovingly. Quickly he took towels and raced to the kid's side. He pressed the towels tightly against the wounds so glad he had called 911 before coming here.

He knew something was wrong with Tony. Every time they met, the dark cloud the followed the normally cheery kid was darker. His eyes duller than last time.

He desperately started to look for a pulse in Tony's neck and sighed in relief when he found it.

"Just hang on the kid. Open your eyes" he said shaking the kid. No reaction.

Soon the paramedics arrived they quickly asked few questions and then took Tony into the ambulance. Tobias got in the back watching as the paramedics treated Tony.

He was not very religious but for the kid, he did pray.

✿✿✿

Gibbs was pissed. Tony was late for 2 hours now. Under all the anger he did feel concern for his missing agent. His return hadn't been as warm or as good as he hoped.

He felt a bit bad how he had treated Tony because despite his lack of memory he had regained a lot and he knew that he cared about that kid like a son.

When he returned there had been happiness from everyone but Tony. Something was wrong.The normally super energetic man was now quiet as he sat down and the eyes that before held the spark were dulled. Gibbs had ignored it for the time being trying to regain his role.

Now his gut was rolling. Something was badly wrong.

" Don't worry boss. Tony's probably sulking now that he can't boss us around anymore" McGee stated as if knowing what Gibbs was thinking.

Gibbs frowns at that as far as he knew Tony had been doing a fine job while he was gone. He opens his mouth when his phone started to ring.

"Gibbs"

"Jethro you need to come to Bethesda. It's Tony"

"DiNozzo? What he do now?" Gibbs grumbles.

"He tried to kill himself," Tobias said angrily and hung up.

✿✿✿

Tobias was waiting for Tony to wake up. They had barely made it but after surgery and blood transfusion Tony remained alive and kicking.

Now he was in a room strapped into the bed on a suicide watch. Tobias shuddered at the thought of how close it was that Tony would have successfully taken his own life.

He had called Gibbs because even though he didn't approve of Tony's team right now he was an NCIS agent and his Leader should know.

Soon enough Gibbs barges in but freezes at the door. At the sight of his agent. The rest followed all freezing at the sight like their leader.

Tony was pale and small on the bed. Not moving. His hands were bandaged. Leather Bonds were holding him down.

Gibbs was frozen. Hearing and seeing were two different things. This was Tony. His Tony who had tried to kill himself.

"Why?" He asked more steadily than he felt.

"He called me last night," Tobias said looking at the kid.

Abby was crying. Ducky holding her feeling pained himself. Ziva and McGee were looking in disbelief.

"Why you?" Gibbs asks. The winces a bit at that.

Tobias glares before continuing.

"He kept apologizing. Saying he tried to keep everyone together and lead but he was just too tired" he says quietly.

"I knew something was wrong with him every time we met but..." he shakes his head. "I should have talked to him about it" he whispers. It was unusual but he was feeling guilty.

They all got into the room. Watching as Tony slept. Thinking about how they could have... should have seen it coming and prevent this.

"I too noticed it but too blinded by my own anger I ignored it and for that I am ashamed. I have failed young Anthony when he needs me while he was there for everyone else. This. This is our own fault" Ducky murmured.

"We have to fix this!" Abby cried out. She remembers every time she reminded Tony about how he is not Gibbs. Every time she saw dark desperation in his friend's eye and ignored it. Too wrapped up in her own problems. Nudging Tony to this.

"We will" Gibbs sais. The agreement was wordless but clear.

Tobias was secretly pleased. He was mad as hell at them but happy to see Tony would be getting treated the way he deserves.

✿✿✿

Tony was coming back from the darkness. He didn't want to but he was being pulled out.

Steady Beeping brings him up and he realizes he is in a hospital.

No...

No no no no noo!

Why was he still here?

He was starting to trash his heart beating faster. Something was holding him down.

Then hands on his shoulder. A voice in his ear.

"Tony! Tones calm down! You're safe! you're in a hospital" Toby.

But he didn't want to be save or hospital. He wanted to...

Die.

Oh my God. 

Realization sank in but it didn't stop him. He was alive after attempting suicide. He had tried suicide.

Sobs start to rake his body as his distress grew.

"I can't- I can't! Please! I'm so tired I can't keep going it hurts so much!" He sobs. He just wants it to go away.

A soothing hand comes to his hair and starts to stroke.

"Tony. Stop!" Gibbs! Why was he here? But Tony did stop. It was a command after all.

"I know you want it to stop. But this is not the way. I'm not done with you yet and nobody else is either so you just keep on kicking. People still care about you" Tobias talks to him calmly.

Tony was still crying. Half listening to the words as they poured out of his friend.

The team watches in shock and worry. Their hearts ache. This is what they did to their friend.

As Tony fades back to sleep. They all vowed that they will never let Tony end up like this again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've done something like this. Hope it was successful. First NCIS fic too.
> 
> Remember what I said. If you have ever suicidal thoughts or depression talk to someone and seek help. You aren't alone.
> 
> I also like Gibbs this just it my theme.
> 
> Comment and kudos are appreciated! Thank you for reading!


End file.
